can't reach the wheel

It occurs to me, as we j-walk across the street, at the inconvenience of a little old lady driving a very big Mercedes, that every choice is mine, ultimately. The choices that scare me so much--where am i going? what will i do? how will i survive? The answers to those questions, will eventually be left to me and for some reason that's empowering.

For most people, it's that that's overwhelming. For me, I feel happy that eventually, I can do what I love. I know that scares my parents a little bit, but that's my job isn't it? There are a lot of things I learn from my parents, but their extreme caution toward life is not one that I want to let leak into my consciousness this early in life. It sounds very "Lifetime Original movie" but because of the people who actually believe that I have what it takes to make what I really want happen, I have a certain conviction that I will do what I love in the end. In the next four years, I will study what I am drawn to. When I get out in the real world, I will make that step. It isn't very useful to lean too far forward. If I think for now, and work at what I love to make sure I'm prepared for whatever path I decide to take, I know I will eventually find a place for my passions in the world. I won't be anything because anyone wants me to, or because of the money. I will do what I love. And I will never look back.

I don't think I can creatively afford to hold anything in and assume the predictable, beaten path.
I don't think I have that in me.
I don't think I want that.